Sunday, 15 February 2015

Painting The Town Fifty Shades of (Light) Grey

I stopped at p. 20 of the first of the series of Fifty Shades of Grey and was cursing Amazon Kindle app for not having a refund policy. So, I can't compare the book with the movie, or validate most reviews's claims that the book was much better than the film.

I can't join conversations on Breaking Bad as I have not seen the entire series, so I decided that I'm not gonna be all highbrow about this movie and not see it at all in protest of it being such a pop culture phenomenon that I'm having none of it.

Let's face it, sex sells. All of us buying into it have afforded the author an Edwardian house in Ealing, West London, that's on my friend's lottery-win wish list, and an apparently 500K (not sure whether it's in US dollars or GBP) paycheck everyday. Not bad, ey?

So, for £11.50 (including card fees as the ticket was purchased online and my girlfriend didn't have 10 pence change), I had to find value for my hard-earned Sterling and some redeeming qualities about this film that took up nearly 3 hours of my already draining Valentine's Day. The draining part is another story which was metaphorically sadist in its on way, albeit personally inflicted. 

But I digress --which happens when it's past two in the morning and thoughts have to be put to bed.

So, if you have not seen or read erotica before (seriously?), and have not read the book or have read the book, but not sure what to expect, here's a little round-up of my thoughts and  justifications for watching it amongst Valentine movie-goers rather than wait for a month or two to rent it for £3.50 via BT Vision:

That Dakota Johnson, who played the lead role of Anastasia Steele, didn't sound like her mother Melanie Griffith, whom although I adored for her role on Working Girl, has one of the most annoying speaking voices in Hollywood. No, make that showbusiness. No, make that the whole world. That purring kitty catty voice (sounds like fingernails scraping down a blackboard, says the Mr.) may be sexy to some men, but it really does my head in. Speak up woman! But at the same time, that voice inspired me to stretch (or flex?) my diaphragm (the muscle, not the contraceptive cup) when speaking.

That Don Johnson, of Miami Vice and white linen suit fame, and the father of Dakota, can actually look good as a 25-year-old woman in a dress. Or with breasts. 

Christian Grey's mother's scarf, and how elegant it was. 

Christian Grey's (Jamie Dornan's) peachy backside. Yes!

That they're indeed no longer called neckties because ties aren't used around the neck anymore. 

That grey can be the colour of vanilla.

Christian Grey's line, "I'm not into necrophilia". Yes, gentlemen, hands off drunken women.

That Taylor, Mr Grey's driver, played by Max Martini, was much hotter than his boss. I wish to see him in part II sneaking in to the Red Room of Pain for his own shady shenanigans.

That you'll find the movie much more enjoyable with Gin and Tonic in hand. 

That the film was quite comical: the lines, the cliches ("I don't make love, I f**k. Hard", according to Mr Grey), the acting. C'mon, help me out here.

Overheard by my friend by the tills while collecting her ticket, "...just to manage your expectations, you won't see any genitals." 

If that's not a deal-breaker, then Mr Grey will see you now.

Seen the film? All shades of thoughts welcome.


  1. Ha, ha! Brilliant! I really can't see myself ever watching this film but it is quite amusing reading everyone's take on it. I read the first two pages of the book whilst I was waiting in the queue at WH Smiths and that was enough for me. Poorly written tripe is a polite way of describing it.

  2. I loved the film I found it so funny, its quite toned down from the book but it just made the love story stand out more thing unlike in the book were its the sex that's the focal point.
    I've done a review on my blog>>>

  3. Haha! Amazing Marj! Grey is the new vanilla! 🍧

  4. Hahaha...that was brilliant!! I haven't seen the movie, but read the books. They weren't the best written books, but it was thrilling in some spots. I haven't been sure on seeing the movie, as movies never live up to the books and the actors chosen weren't what I was expecting, but we'll see. Hahaha. Xx

  5. I've read the books and I've seen the movie. I liked the movie a bit better than the books but only because of the main actor :)

  6. I haven't read the books but I did see the film on Sunday and I'm not ashamed to say it he he - I was certainly curious about the hype and it has left me curious about whether it accurately reflected the content of the book or was it completely edited for the big screen. It was a bit cheesy in parts; I can't remember the line but it left me giggling which I'm sure was not the intention, the other funny part was where she put out her hands like a little school girl beckoning Christian to put the cuffs on. So funny what you said about the driver because I thought Ana's boss in the hardware store was better looking than Christian by a long shot. I quite liked the storyline for what it was xxx

  7. You're so hilarious, I am with you on her little voice, haha! I refused to actually read the books, I attempted but was so put off by the writing. haha. We were supposed to see the film over the weekend, but had a last minute thing, and did not actually get a chance to. I love Dornan though, he's a great actor nonetheless in his other works, so hopefully the film will be better than the books.
    Tartan and Houndstooth

  8. I really enjoyed your observations! I haven't read the books and I've not yet seen the film but I am curious and thought that I would read a few more reviews before deciding whether of big to see it. Interesting little snippets here too. I just hadn't realised that Don Johnson is Dakota's Dad - of course! I need to keep up!


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